We all find ourselves in a state of flux. Sometimes it trickles in a little at a time and sometimes the gates break and the flood waters of change rush in all at once. The latter is obviously more overwhelming but when the little trickles begin to pool up and we haven't been mindfully making adjustments for them it can feel like a sudden gush leaving us feeling completely drenched. Unfortunately, that is where I am currently finding myself.
We have all heard that the only guaranteed constant in life is change but even if we are fully aware that life has its ups and downs they sometimes can be a little much.
I am currently going through a transitional period and I am finding the need to reassess and ground myself in my truth and rediscover what that truth may be.
As I begin to write this, I am feeling the opinion of others and external circumstances have taken over my thoughts and actions. For myself, this is not the way I typically like to conduct my life. I live very purposefully, aligning myself with those who are in the same vibrational energy, seeking people who are actively trying to better their life or enrich the lives of others. Making an honest effort to live what is in my heart.
However as we all are aware 2020- 2022 has brought some interesting challenges for us as a collective group, we have all experienced a global health pandemic and social and political changes that have surpassed anything that we have ever seen before. Along with that, we all have personal challenges that have been piled on to the heaviness that we can't escape.
I am finding that all the hard work that I have put into myself and my mental health has been undone. My social anxiety is back in full force, my desire to be around people is being challenged and I am more tucked in and tuned out than ever.
On top of the heaviness of the world, I am finding that my own personal challenges and transitions are a lot to process. Leaving me with a feeling that I do not have a strong foundation to walk on, uncertain and fragile.
It is now time to decide if I want to continue leveling up or pull aside and drown in self-pity. I am not going to lie, the latter seems so tempting and if I am being honest with myself I feel that I have been riding the fence and seductively dipping my toe in the self-pity pool for a few months now.
Instead of getting ahead of it by grounding and listening to my truth and heart, I have been binging social media, getting lost in TikTok for hours, and even though I love my animal crossing village I have been escaping too much into that world and not attending to my own garden.
I found that I was beating myself up instead of taking the time to process what is happening, assess what truly matters, and be gentle with myself during this time. This too shall pass... isn't that what they always say?
I caught myself over the last week getting caught in a wonky vibration that was not in tune with what my heart was wanting. I started to speak negatively and truly started to pout a bit over external situations. Leaving me feeling depressed, angry, and helpless. I knew the words I was speaking was making my thoughts about the situation worse. Not the actual situation but my discomfort with the situation and prolonging the pain of the transition.
Me writing this blog post is my first step in correcting and taking ownership of my mindset. Hopefully, sharing my process might help you in some ways as well. Sometimes just knowing that I am not the only one going through shit helps tremendously.
My immediate first step was to break out my tried and true audiobook: The Best of Les Brown Audio Collection. If you are not aware of who Les Brown is I highly recommend you give him a look or find a motivational speaker that you align with to get your head back in the game. Thankfully he does it for me every time I am ready to tackle the next level of my life. I am listening to him to add fuel to my sails, when I am on my game I normally do not have trouble giving myself pep talks, but currently, I have nothing to give to myself so it is imperative that I find someone who can make me believe in myself again. I can tell you that it is working already.
The next thing is to list all the transitions and life changes that I am being challenged by:
Transitions and life changes:
living without a mother to talk to,
(I find it highly strange and a little telling this was the 1st I put down, September will mark a year of her passing and we didn't have the strongest relationship but at times I find myself longing to hear her voice again)
VA benefits were cut in half this month,
(going from $3600 to $1600 per month is a huge shift in habits)
my youngest child leaving the nest and going to college,
(The whole empty nest thing is real people)
my husband and our having a house built & leaving the house that we have lived in for the past 18 years,
( the house will be wonderful, different in shape, size, and energy it will take some getting used to it will be sad leaving the house the children grew up in but not sad leaving some of the painful memories attached to the house as well)
moving studio locations, which puts me in a more visible spot in the community,
( the public can be scary)
I am feeling the physical and social aspects of a 44-year-old woman.
( oh shit, I am not young and beautiful anymore.... agh...cough... stutter... how can I go on...)
The Good things that are happening in my life to be grateful for:
I am grateful that for the 1st time in 3 years my business is actually making money.
( I would like to focus on the potential that my talents and personality has and not the lack I feel of my VA medical benefits being cut that was allowing me to do all the amazing things at the studio)
I am grateful for knowing that I am full of potential and can easily brave stormy weather.
I am grateful for my business and for allowing me to see what works and what isn't the right fit for me.
I am grateful for my perseverance, desire, and hunger to go after my dreams.
I am grateful that I do not listen to others that are afraid to try for themselves and say that it can't be done.
I am grateful for the opportunity to evolve through the experiences life throws at me.
I am grateful that my children are healthy, and happy and get the opportunity to attend school.
I am grateful that I have hit 19 years of marriage.
I am grateful to get to spend time with my husband
I am grateful that we are fortunate enough to build a home.
I am grateful that my mother is no longer in pain
I am grateful that my father has found a new friend to walk through life with
I am grateful for getting to be part of my brothers' wedding
I am grateful that he found a wonderful partner
I am grateful for the new friends, business partners, and pathways that have come into my life
I am grateful for the opportunity to help people
I am grateful for the work that I do with the neurally diverse community.
I am grateful that I get to work with the youth in my community
I am grateful that I have an art studio
I am grateful for my talents and an insatiable curiosity to learn and discover new things
I am grateful to be alive
This. This exercise of writing what I am grateful for has done wonders for my mindset already. I knew that in the past I would write down 5 things I was grateful for when I journaled but I haven't done it in a long time. I honestly feel that I could keep going, I feel grateful and appreciative of millions of things but I am remembering that I am going to post this and do not want to bore you with reading them. Already I feel that my negativity is dimensioned and that my heart feels fuller.
Also, a weird effect of writing a journal entry in blog form is it helps me remember that I am not doing this alone. As I am typing and thinking about the things that I want to say and I am seeing my friends' and families' faces staring back at me supporting me, loving me, and encouraging me to keep marching on with my head held high. So to that I very much am grateful. I am grateful for you being on this journey with me. I am and always will be thankful for that.
The next part of my journey will be reassessing my career goals. Checking in to make sure I am in alignment with what my heart is wanting. I would love you to take that journey with me as I process it. I want to thank you again for listening to me!
Love and Kindness
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